person of integrity

Nobody is who we see them as. Even M. Gandhi. Even Elvis. Even Mother Teresa. However these folks and others had biographies written about them...so the perspective we have on them is closer to who they might have been.

I, most likely, will never have a biography written about me.

I can't say the same about you.

Anyway...

I had a friend once who said to me, "You are not the person I thought you were." I know, tell me what you think of that.

Now, I'm going to give you a big one on me...use it for good, not for evil.

I am indeed not who you think I am.

Though I prolifically dispense much information about myself, you still don't know me. It is truly remarkable to me the extent to which I freely disseminate myself and my laundry with abandon. Well, that is the price I pay. It may eventually pay off too. See, as a writer, it is my highest goal to publish. I think of it as one of my callings. From childhood. For me, I can only write what I know and experience. Therefore, the price I pay to eventually publish is to really be seen (sometimes with my undies showing).

But no matter how much I tell you, I'm still not who you think I am. I will elucidate on the matter of who I am a little later. First, I have to give you excuses.

Manic depression by it's very nature causes somewhat odd behavior that does not seem to gel with a person's personality. Often they are assumed synonymous.

If you think of manic depression as a brain disorder --just like other organic events affecting the brain's workings, such as a stroke, low blood sugar, traumatic brain damage, and the like-- you can actually understand why manifestations of shifts in personality occur.

If my brain is compromised by an organic, i.e. physical, disease, I, like a person with brain damage have difficulty discerning my own brain's shifts and fluctuations. The very organ that discerns such things is broke. Sometimes it is easier to believe that I sign off on my own instability with a wanton flip of my hand. That I do certain things on purpose. I can safely say that I must be in control. But success in managing and controling my own brain is much harder than it is for you. Know this if you know nothing else.

Personality and the brain are intimately connected. We don't like to believe that. We like to believe that our personalities are something innate and attached to our spirit more than our brain. Traumatic brain damaged individuals and stroke victims often have marked changes in personality at the onset of the damaging event.

Notice the verbiage "damaged" and "victim" and the lack of such compassionate verbiage connected with manic depression. Note this.

I worked at a head injury rehabilitation facility. Most of the families, if the resident had any family at all involved in their "rehab" --for brain damage results are often irreversible--, indicated significant changes in personality. These changes are frequently intolerable for friends and family. The brain trauma changed who they were to those around them.

Often brain damage in trauma and stroke manifests in poor anger control, shifts in mood, and memory problems. This is a familiar list to me.

So, my point being, I have an excuse for not being the person everyone expects me to be. I don't use this as an excuse, it is just simply an explanation. If you expect anything less than frustrated expectations, if you insist on being black & white, lack insight and understanding, then you can persist in thinking you know who I am. I, on the otherhand, have to be very flexible with myself. Any other viewpoint is deadly.

On a lighter note, let's talk about me, so you aren't surprised when you find these things out, traumatically, in the future. Save you the drama and trauma.

1. I frequently stop at 7-11 and purchase a large blue raspberry Slurpee and three jalapeno Toquitos. I like that my tongue turns blue.

2. I like NPR radio. Talk radio that even bores my mother.

3. I flip people off on the road. My mother worries about this with great consternation as she envisions me being a victim of road rage. I assure her, "I don't do it very often," but that doesn't seem to alleviate her terror.

4. When you ask me what I'm thinking --which is rare because I've usually already shared everything with you-- I will tell you something like, "I was thinking about the Roosevelt administration and how amazing it was." When, in all actuality, I was repeating the last inane sentence over and over in my head (because I am pretty sure I am undiagnosed autistic --maybe borderline at least). Such repetitions may be something like, "the mustard bottle", Or, "crank the wrench." It's always somewhat relevant to what I am doing whether eating bratwurst or fixing the lawn mower. The rhythm of such repetition is often soothing.

5. I do not like brushing my teeth and I don't do it for myself or even to assure a future with teeth. I do it for you. You should be grateful.

6. I'm not as cool as people say I am. Most of the cool things I do are so that you will think I am cool.

7. I do as little as possible to get good grades in school. I also rarely stay focused on the subject. I tend to go in my own direction absolutely convinced that I am following directions. Most of my professors marked my papers, "You completely missed the point of the assignment. However, the writing was excellent." And they would either give me an A or a B. If you think I am intelligent, it has few practical purposes. In fact, I rarely follow directions. Keep this in mind so that in the future you can say, "Hey, she told me this would happen. Maybe I should refrain from assuming it is a direct affront to me personally."

8. Many people have called me "bright". This really irritates me. I always think of bright as being just a level above mentally handicapped.

9. For that matter, I used to think I was retarded and no one would ever tell me. I think I was in college at the time.

10. I like Survivor. I know this is profoundly disappointing. I am disappointed in myself.

11. There are few things that irritate me more than my own fat rolls. I think fat is a terrible terrible injustice. I also think it is an unjust consequence to lack of exercise and eating foods high in fat.

12. I love alternative music, the kind that makes me girate in my car seat and sing nonsensical words because I can't understand the real words.

13. I would like a gun. I like shoting because I'm good at it. I have great control and can hit my target frequently. It is understandable that a gun gives me a sense of focus and control I do not have in any other area of my life. I like that.

14. I like to talk and write. If you don't like that, then we probably shouldn't be pals. You can just read my book.

15. I do not like being manic depressive. I like it sometimes because I like being consumately creative. I'd like that creativity to extend to my odd and shifting moods & behavior. I don't like being manic depressive. I like the company I keep though: Churchill, V. Woolf, Lincoln, Jim Carrey.

To be continued...