talk about falling

Talk about falling...

Let me just start right off by explaining my long absence...

I fell in love.

But I've landed.

Just as quickly as I fell, I landed. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. I still have this strange sense of light headedness and of floating at times.


You'll find the picture of Christina and I here on the blog page. Cute couple, eh? She says, "I like that picture of us. We look happy." I reply, "Honey, that's the ONLY picture we have of us." Christina has an aversion to cameras to the extent that I have an aversion to dresses. Pretty serious.


So, about falling...

Falling is such an overrated event and we --especially in this society-- rate it so highly as if the falling in love part was the very apex of love. When it comes to love relationships falling in love is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure most of you already know that. I'm kind of a novice really. It's like giving a 2 year old a baseball bat and letting her/him loose. The result is a lot of broken things and battered shins & kneecaps.

So why do we say “I’ve fallen in love” with such glee...without even looking at the words we are using to describe such an event? Mostly, I think, it is because lovers are generally young and inexperienced in the ways of icebergs and their tips --all we have to go on is that the Titanic sank because of a sneaky iceberg. We just say dumbly, "What iceberg?" We don't really get it, do we? We aren’t thinking about what it we’re saying partly because the all the blood has left our brains while we are “falling”. Like falling out of an airplane. That kind of height. Not like falling from a tree limb. This is serious momentum!

Here's what I think. Applying the term “falling” to describe a burgeoning love relationship implies death, dismemberment, and at the very least many broken bones and paralysis. The connection is, I believe, not a mistake. Only I’m not so sure most of us are aware of what we are really communicating when we say “I’ve fallen in love”. Do we realize the reality of what we are saying. It is as if you are saying:

"I'm falling and am facing total dismembership and extinction at the end of my fall. I like broken bones and internal injuries. I LOVE IT!"

OR

"I'm falling and the ground is approaching quickly so I ought to prepare myself for the end."

OR

"I'm falling, which is okay because I have a death wish anyway. I like dying."

OR

"Oh _____, this isn't what I expected when I jumped out!"

OR maybe

"I don't mind this. I have a love of danger and I'm ready for whatever comes...as long as I don't die...oh. I'm going to die? okay, um, how do I get out of this! help. someone. please."

Anyway, you get the idea. Love is nothing to take lightly. And "falling" about rightly describes it at first. I suspect whoever came up with the term "falling in love", the first person to say it out loud, knew exactly what he or she was saying. He or she was probably French. The French say things like that. I'll have to look into the etiology of this term. However, I come to that conclusion based on the fact that the French term for orgasm is literally translated into English "little death". Love is risky business, not for the faint of heart, and terribly misrepresented in our culture and through our families.


The most interesting phenomenon I have discovered about falling in love is how many seemingly satisfied and married people warn, caution me, and actually tell me things like, "Don't get used to this feeling." As if they learned their lesson!!! Seems kind of two faced to me.


"I'm sorry," I say, "I thought I heard you say, 'Are you being cautious? You ought to be careful'?"


In my head I say (because saying this out loud would look suspiciously like I am defensive), "Looks like it worked for you."


I've heard mothers explain the process of having multiple children and it sounds an awful lot like a psychiatric condition called a fugue. Amnesia really.


The exact definition of a psychiatric fugue is, "pathological amnesiac condition during which one is apparently conscious of one's actions but has no recollection of them after returning to a normal state. This condition, usually resulting from severe mental stress, may persist for as long as several months."


Or perhaps years in a mother's case. These mother friends of mine are apparently conscious of their actions during a previous birth but upon conception of the next child they have no recollection of that previous pregnancy and birth. They tell me, "If I actually remembered the awful pain of birth and the uncomfortable and completely inconvenient process of pregnancy I would never ever, ever have agreed to a next child." Thank God for fugues then...else we'd be extinct!


I'm trying to say that falling in love is bound to happen...if you actually get to choose your mate --as we generally do here in the U.S. Otherwise no one would marry voluntarily. I mean really. Do you ever hear people say, "Well I don't really love her/him, it just seems like it would be a to our advantage to commit ourselves to one another for the entirety of our lives because it's just a good idea." Yea, kinda weird. Probably a good idea though. Maybe the divorce rate would go down. Marriage of convenience. Haven't heard of it for a while. Not since Hollywood probably.


We marry...by first falling in love. Of course I can't marry Christina "legally" or with the "church" backing. So I get to fall in love with her much longer. ; )


However, if you live somewhere where your parents may arrange your marriage, like India or S. E. Asia, falling in love is not guaranteed. But it happens. It actually happens with more frequency than we Western romantics may believe. Though I don't know the statistics I have been told this story --of an arranged marriage turning into deep love between the stranger spouses-- by two different individuals from different countries. You can find information about this alien phenom and discover it happens fairly regularly.


Divorce stats in our country betray our Christian reputation. We don't have a key to making a marriage work based on how you get to the alter. Getting to the alter is perhaps the least of our worries. Maybe you've heard of the Gottman Institute. They've done a study, a pretty extensive study, on what makes marriages succeed and why marriages end. They found the primary reason why marriages end in divorce is contempt. That doesn't mean contempt always ends the marriage. No, some marriages continue on regardless of rampant contempt. Contempt is deadly.

Check out Gottman's website: http://www.gottman.com/

All I know is that I adore my partner. For the first time in my 20 years as a Christian I don't feel completely inept at actually treating another person as if they were more important than myself (at least some of the time that is). I actively love. I don't look at the I Corinthians passage from the New Testament as a creed or agreement as much as a tool like an axe or a hoe. Don't worry, even if you haven't read a word of the Bible you HAVE heard this verse. It is read aloud, as if casting a spell, with great frequency in wedding ceremonies across America. Not that this is a bad thing, but, in the same way my well meaning married friends like to warn me, I think, "Does this bride & groom really know what they are promising???" Think on these following things:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."


These are some pretty serious activities. They aren't character qualities. They aren't gifts. They aren't inborn. They aren't even automatic add on's that come along with falling in love. They are things done actively at the most inconvenient times. Like loving rain when you are locked out of your house. Like happily drinking the wrong kind of latte after you've already driven through the driveway. And they are like realizing that the other person needs these things --patience, kindness, care, humility, words of kindness, a selfless partner, a cool head when provoked, truth, a tempered memory, protection, belief in the relationship, hope for the relationship, and VERY IMPORTANTLY, perseverance. And she needs them more than you need justification, fairness, and self gratification.

I'm so in love I'll promise anything. I know this is but the beginning. But I'm pretty sure I've got my head screwed on as straight. One would hope so at the ripe age of 42. At least that's what I keep telling myself.