accepting what you CAN change

"A wise man should consider that health is the greatest of human blessings, and learn how by his own thought to derive benefit from his illness."
--Hippocrates, the father of ancient & modern medicine

I was given a unique opportunity recently. I was hospitalized. I was given the realization that I have an illness which is as real as any other physical pain. I have manic depression and I am going to learn a lot from it.

Up to this point I have learned very little from it.

The first thing I'm going to learn is to accept that something is actually wrong.

"You feel ashamed of the fact that your nervous system is weak, This is vanity. You are vain to expect that all your systems must be perfect. I have yet to see a human being that has only perfect systems."
--Dr. Abraham Low from "Manage Your Fears Manage Your Anger"

You see, as much as I seem to have accepted that I have manic depression (bipolar I), as much as I write and talk about it, I still act as though I can and should be perfectly normal (this is not an uncommon symptom in manic depression). As though I am just like most people I believe I can succeed if I just put my best foot forward.

I have lived as though my every next step will indeed NOT be extraordinarily abnormal and maladjusted, and instead be successful like all my friends and family. More often than I can count, however, these steps have ended with my face in the mud. The poor prognosis of my unchecked disease is a reality that we all need to acknowledge.

I need to acknowledge the extreme potential that this manic depression has to ruin things, relationships, jobs, perfectly good opportunities, possibilities, and potential.

So where do you come in?

The ancient Egyptians did not differentiate between mental and physical illness. Hippocrates & the early Greeks came to understand that mental illnesses were a result of biological (not spiritual or purely thought) malfunction. Is it possible that we are still behind?

Hippocrates went on to teach and argue that disease itself was not a punishment inflicted by the gods, but rather a product of environmental factors, diet, and living habits.

I know we say we believe these same things. But come on! Even I, a mental illness masterpiece, often believes that if I just think "better" and try "harder" I would not get myself into the situations that I do. I too believe mostly that God refuses to heal me because I'm not trying hard enough. How can I blame anyone else for thinking the same thing, even knowing myself the unequaled mental effort I put into most days?


"Understanding alone will not help and has not helped any patient that has developed a long term nervous problem. The only thing that will help the patient is training, persistent training."
--Dr. Abraham Low Manage Your Fears Manage Your Anger

I can't rest on my laurels by accepting that I have a mental illness.

"Oh, well, I did that because I have a mental illness," isn't the best part of accepting that one has an illness. That house is not where the party is!

The best part of acceptance is I now have the opportunity to get better!

It's the same when someone suffers pneumonia. If she doesn't rest and stop trying to keep up with life as normal, she will stay sick longer and thereby perhaps scar her lungs irreparably.

Accepting that I have a mental illness, that it is real, doesn't stop there. I have to work like I've never worked before. I don't know that I've done that.

I mean, I HAVE worked!! I've worked my ASS off! I work every day to look like I'm on the same successful trajectory as everyone else I know. Trying to be "normal"; trying to do the normal things like hold a job. Despite my limitations I have achieved a lot really. Yet my success is sort of like a woven basket full of gaps and holes. But, I watch you all and I see successful living in some way, shape, or form in nearly all of you. Baskets being woven with some integrity to them. I want it, I covet it, I desire it.

But I work to get it in the wrong way.

It's like the guy, that same guy that shows up in all the jokes, who is in a shipwreck and treading water to save his life. A boat comes along and they offer him assistance.

"Nope," he says out of breath, "I'm waiting to be saved."

A helicopter hoovers over and they offer him a rope.

"Nope, I'm waiting to get saved."

A ship throws a life ring. He doesn't take hold of it.

Gulping for air, "I'm waiting."

He finally drowns because the big hand in the sky didn't come down and save him.

My limitations are in my body.

I can't tread water forever, waiting for a big hand in the sky take care of all my resulting mistakes. However, my perspective is much like the guy treading water and doing his best to stay alive until he's saved. It's just that there are better sources of survival than treading water like your life depends on it.

I have worked so hard to blend into the world and to make a real difference before being taken out by my very real limitation. It always happens you know...that inevitable fall in the mud. Maybe I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that's the truth, deal with it...I am!


"Once you have accomplished a conquest over a nervous symptom, your victory is astounding. Ordinary people don't do it."
--Dr. Abraham Low

I like being extraordinary, so I like that quote!

Dr. Abraham Low died in '54. His primary body of work with "nervous patients" was done a couple decades earlier --thus the archaic psychological terms. It's refreshing isn't it?

He says "nervous problem" instead of "mental illness". The term "persistent training" is now "cognitive behavioral therapy" --meaning one must get a handle on mental disorders through the use of extreme retraining of thoughts and the will. He talks about the "nervous system" as being just part of the many systems by which we are kept alive.

Dr. Low is my new man. I didn't like him before now. The difference? I now accept and understand that in order to run a marathon you have to build up to running that far. I accept that I can do something.

I want to be better. Oh, how I need to have those moments of victory when I know I've overcome a devastating symptom of my manic depression! I want to know I've done something astounding that few people have had to do. I desire, covet, and want success of my will over the symptoms of manic depression. Oh, how I want success.

Do you want something that grand and simple at the same time?