part II: the privileged few

I’m gay. That fact coupled with my being manic depressive places me in an even smaller percentage of the world wide population. You can see how I easily corner the market in terms of minority status. You should be laughing. I am. I’m not being sarcastic. I find this extraordinary life more and more interesting and humorous than oppressive and sad. I find great strength in these peculiarities. God must see something in me that I don’t.

Here are some questions for you.
If you are heterosexual, how often during the week do you think about your sexual orientation? If you believe in God, how often do you think about your sexuality while also thinking about God? How do you know you are attracted to the opposite sex? How do you know you are not attracted to other people of your same sex? Do you think it is possible for you to be attracted to people of your same sex?

I’ll go first since I brought it up. Let me preface this post with this: I am not going to defend my sexual orientation. It may seem defensive of me even to preface it that way, but my orientation isn’t up for discussion. It is sad that I even feel a need to say that. What I do want is discussion and learning focused on what it is like to be gay, what it is like being a Christian and gay, what it is like to "come out" in a conservative church and to conservative friends. I want discussion centered around learning. I really do mean for you to learn, because, after all, I have lived as a heterosexual and therefore am pretty sure I understand it. It’s true. I’m not being cocky. What I’m saying is that I’m open to discussion that is all about mutual edification. Okay, now on to today's round table.

1) If you are heterosexual, how often during the week do you think about your sexual orientation?

I think about my sexual orientation probably every 15 minutes. At least. I haven’t been counting. I think about it because I’ve never let myself think about it for very long until about November of last year when I decided to “surface” as gay (a friend recently used the word “surface” and I decided I like it better than the worn out phrase “coming out”). I think about it because my culture is so heterosexually oriented that I’m reminded pretty continuously of my differences. I think about it because I’m still getting used to being able to say it and think about it freely. With decreasing frequency I find myself thinking, “Oh my goodness! I’m gay!” I am settling into it like a pair of comfortable and sensible shoes.

I first admitted and accepted that I was attracted to women in 1992 while in China. China is a recurring place in my life story, and it is in China* that I fell for Jenny. Much to my disappointment Jenny is a healthy heterosexual woman and I was left with somewhat of a broken heart even though we have remained good friends. When I returned from China I went through a process one could appropriately describe as “going into the closet”. "In the closet" is a very appropriate term. My closet was well organized and smelled of cedar.

*By the way, pray for the people in the areas around Chendu that were affected by the earthquake. I received a letter from someone in Chengdu who said that the 7.9 earthquake lasted 4 whole minutes. I've heard that the devastation of an earthquake isn’t measured so much in its seismic strength as in the length of the quake. 30 seconds is a long quake! 4 minutes is devastating. He said that in the 40 hours following the quake they experienced 3000 aftershocks! How frightening. I pray they find their True Comforter. The Chinese can be pretty fearful and superstitious about natural disasters. Natural disasters such as this are considered an ominous message.

Anyway, after my return from China I didn’t live a double life. I just chose to live a heterosexual life because it seemed a lot easier. The other path contained too many unknowns. I knew, and told my closest friends, that I was more attracted to women far more than men. I never expressed shame or remorse with regards to this obvious truth. I just kept down that path that seemed the path of least resistance. I didn't want to test what God REALLY thinks about homosexuality.

I thought about homosexuality often enough though. When I would watch a movie and was more interested in the female leads than the males. My infatuations with certain men were confusing and awkward, and hardly ever ended well. My infatuations with women were funny and enjoyable, but always controlled. When I was eventually engaged to be married, I sabotaged the relationship to the point where he couldn’t stand me anymore. I can’t say with any conviction that sabotage wasn’t my plan from the moment he put that ring on my finger. My conduct was awful. But it was a huge relief when we chose to call off the wedding. These and other things led me into moments where I would briefly resurface and contemplate living out my actual orientation. But I would get scared. Each time, like a gopher popping out of his hole and seeing all those people watching for his shadow, I would run fearfully back into my hole. There was too much at stake. I thought I would lose too much.

Now I think about my sexual orientation a lot because I finally surfaced and decided to live honestly and authentically. Maybe you hardly ever think about your heterosexuality. I can’t help it. It took every ounce of courage in me to come out, to surface, to see if God really wanted me to continue living a lie, and to eventually come out in the church unapologetically. I am faced with a consistent message that who I am is somehow wrong, sinful, or simply “yucky”. When I think about a committed relationship I have to think about what that would look like when our relationship is neither recognized by the state or the church. It isn’t the approval I’m wanting. It is the recognition that I can be with someone and that someone would be recognized as “family” and could parent legally and equally with me, take care of me in a medical emergency and vice versa, and be able to have other inherent rights you, a heterosexual, can take for granted.

But really I enjoy thinking about my life now. About my future. I think about it because I can, and because I’m so content and at peace. Mostly I think how pleased I am that I get to live out my whole life in the sight of God, without fear and without losing my faith.

2)
If you believe in God, how often do you think about your sexuality while also thinking about God?

It is a strange question, I know. But I think it is extremely difficult for us to tolerate God being in the same “room” as our sexuality. It’s a sad result of our puritanical heritage. I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about sexuality. The whole package. Attraction, desire, intimacy, sensuality. I have an odd question for you. Is God a eunuch? Does he procreate? Why did he create us as sexual beings? Simply to procreate? If we are created in the image of God, what about God is sexual? Does it make you uncomfortable to think of God as a “sexual” being? Would it make it easier if you understood sexuality as a metaphor for intense desire for intimacy in God? An illustration of what it looks like to get lost in Someone other than ourselves? Do you crave the same kind of intimacy with God as you do with your partner? I'm talking sexual intimacy. We should. We should desire God and a kind of intimacy with him that is reminiscent of what the French call a “tiny death", an orgasm. A kind of ecstasy that abandons self control. That is so uncomfortable for us to contemplate. Yet you have to admit there is no better place you’d want to lose yourself than in the presence and hands of God.

I love the fact that God has now infused the most secret crevasses of my life. Sexuality is a place where the devil plays and nimbly weaves his lies. He steals it from God right under our noses. Shame, obsession, perversion, violence. Sexuality itself is considered ostentatious. We believe that given free reign it can get out of hand…and dancing inevitably leads to sex and babies. I’m not saying we all need to become comfortable with our nakedness and parade around proudly. Lord! Save that for heaven. It makes me wonder, will we have Vera Wang, accessories, and really cool shoes in heaven? Oh, sorry. I digress.

I’m an armchair theologian. I may not be saying all of this correctly. However, I think that our sexuality is too easily hijacked by “the world” as Jesus puts it. The world keeps us from allowing our sexuality and God in the same room at once. However, when we allow sexuality to become part of God's relationship with us, it is both frightening and incredibly comforting. It is frightening in that way intimacy always is. We lose ourselves, we lose control, and that is something we mostly try to avoid? Tell me if I’m wrong.

3) How do you know you are attracted to the opposite sex?

I was in a conversation with a friend one day where he was trying to explain to me why I was not being pursued by suitors of the opposite sex. “You need to work at making yourself more attractive to guys. They are very visual,” is what he said to me.

Number one, I don’t think I can adequately describe the force with which I wanted to slug him.

Second, thank God I don’t have to be under the scrutiny of men anymore. I’ll leave that to heterosexual women who enjoy the process of attracting men. I find it personally abhorrent in the same way you heterosexuals might consider wooing someone of the same sex abhorrent. I’m glad I can say that now with complete conviction and confidence.

Third, I could never understand how his theory worked when I look around me. There are plenty of disheveled women –physically, emotionally, and mentally– who have somehow been able to woo their man. Love wins out in the end. Mates are chosen with far more attributes in mind than physical attractiveness. Attraction does not = attractiveness. I think attraction has something to do with, as I explained to him that day, a whole person attraction. And I am damn cute anyway!

Fourthly, all the same rules of attraction apply in homosexuality as in heterosexuality. If you think of sexuality and attraction in the same narrow way my friend does (I don’t know, maybe he’s changed his mind after reaching middle age, thinning hair, a couple kids, and many years of marriage), I can see why you would believe that the rules would also be narrow in homosexual attraction. I don’t know about you but I'm looking for the whole package. Attraction is about how one particular person is exquisitely attracted to another person on levels that are far beyond only the physical realm.

4)
How do you know you are not attracted to other people of your same sex? Do you think it is possible for you to be attracted to people of your same sex?

I’ve already spoken to this a bit. If you are heterosexual, you won’t be attracted to the opposite sex. The same goes with homosexuality. I have had a “history” of relationships with men. Let’s just say that my relationships have looked less like loving and more like I was working out my demons on them. With the exception of my engagement to a somewhat effeminate man, I never dated anyone for longer than 2 weeks. Even if it was going well.

I dated a Disney in college. We actually were compatible in ways that I don’t necessarily want to get into. I broke up with him using excuses like, “It’s just not working.” He was confused, “Uh, we’ve only been together for 2 weeks and I really like you.” Frankly, so was I. I did like being around him, but I just had this compulsion to jettison men away from me as soon as possible. And to tell you the truth I gave up a lot for that break-up. The Disney’s were going to have a big shindig that summer and I would have been invited for sure.

I have had a few lovely male suitors (that my friend from the previous story wasn’t privileged to hear about). Very good looking and enjoyable men. One friend, a strapping, solid, and incredibly sensual model, pursued me with an honesty and authenticity that nearly broke me. But I thwarted him. He was begging me, and although it was a bit difficult, I relished the ability to say no to such a beautiful man. I was attracted to him, yes. I think ANYONE would be attracted to him. Physically he is beautiful. But I also knew the attraction was purely sexual. I liked him a lot. I still like him. He’s a great guy. Why would I say no? If you consider my last points about attraction, attraction is about the whole package. Just because I was attracted sexually means nothing because my sexuality isn’t actually about sex. I know that is a hard one to grasp if you’ve always believed that homosexuality is only about sex.

I have given myself to men physically but never ever emotionally. I think you know the difference if you are married to your mate, your soul-mate perhaps. I, however, don’t know what that is in reality. I can wax eloquently about what I know it looks like. But out of all the chances I’ve had to experience it, I never did. That is because I’m gay and was barking up the wrong palm tree.

That about wraps up this portion of part II, but I think I’m going to have to have a part II of part II. Stay tuned.